It's the smallest things ... feeling very dopey today (no jokes please), after a distinct shortage of sleep last night: for the stupidest of reasons, really, I have an insect bite on the bottom corner of my left shoulderblade which is insanely itchy. I've tried several sprays and ointments but none of them seem to have much effect. It's more or less bearable during the day, but trying to rise above it at night while trying to sleep is ... trying.

I was re-reading a letter from Mum, about Shirley's funeral (amongst other things of course), and one part really made me grit my teeth, reading about how broken up her father was, at her death. I have no doubt it was genuinely felt, but it would have been nice if he'd shown some damn support for her in the last couple of years. I know she called on him several times, asking for financial assistance when things were desparate for her, without any real response: and things were desparate enough that I sent her money myself from England a few times, rather than see her lose her flat or some other terrible expedient.

I'm not sure I've spelled out exactly how bad it got, but between the crushing burden of her debts from her second marriage (and how I wish she'd declared bankruptcy! but apparently that was a cheat); and her illness causing enormous absences from work (and eventually losing her job of course); and the DSW screwing her around unmercifully and denying her the sickness benefit at various times: it was an enormous onus on her, just keeping body & soul together - something difficult enough to do anyway, when you're in the wells of depression and drowning.

Of course, Brian was such a controlling, withholding presence in her life, and always so disapproving of her, that this behaviour should come as no surprise. It's funny, really, that she was so vehement about her mother - and I could see why, she used to be quite shrewish and bitter - and yet I think her father did more damage in the end. I can - from a distance - understand why Valerie was compelled into her bitterness, from how he was so .... hmm, patriarchal sums it up: between his long absences at sea, his total control of finances and his philandering, it's hard to blame her.

That same pattern, of course, is what did the damage to Shirley, too, and it really seems to have determined what sort of man she kept choosing for herself. It's one thing I still regret: I urged her for the last 15 years to find a therapist of some sort, to try and dig out the poisons her family had left her with, but she never really took it on board as an idea.

I have a feeling I'm repeating myself here, but so be it: I keep chewing over the same ground, trying to find something worth learning in it.

It's funny, really, it's taken me twenty or more years to really take on the idea of the patriarchy, after so many go-rounds with my lesbian friends over it. The idea of a conspiracy, or an organisation, is ludicrous, but that's not it: it's a reflex, a habit of attitude, that they are talking about, and it does horrible damage to both men and women, in different ways. I guess I'm a bit dim, at being so slow to catch on to it, but ... it's like we were talking different languages, I guess.

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In passing, one other thing in my Mum's letter really amazed me: she regretted not seeing more of Shirley, and blamed herself for laziness. Laziness .. Jeanne? the Energiser Bunny of Miramar thinks she is lazy? That is bizarre beyond words: I don't recall ever seeing her being lazy or indolent; in fact my memories are all of her being on the go, doing things, being involved: dinners, parties, events, shows, committees, organising, helping, just extending a hand, you name it.

Oh, and I almost forgot (for Mum): If you can, get hold of a DVD of the the first opera from BBC's Ring Cycle, from around 2003-4. It has Bryn Terfel as Wotan, and wow! is it an eye-opener. I got to watch it broadcast live at the time, and was riveted, despite my considerable distaste for opera in general. He is magnetic, and the whole show is quite spellbinding (and it was a real misfortune that he took ill & couldn't complete the rest of the cycle - I don't recall who replaced him).